I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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