You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
