The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
