Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
