all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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