I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
