question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
