Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
