Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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