I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Acid is not a monday night drug
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
