Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
