it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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