Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
