She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
