This is not my ceiling
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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