M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
