how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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