i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
