im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize