he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
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