I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
