so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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