I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
