Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
