1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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