You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize