i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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