just come out here and I will go home with you...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
