Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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