All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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