I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
