I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
