Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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