Please, let me fuck your mom
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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