Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
