How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
