i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
