dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
