John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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