Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
