my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it hurts more in the daytime
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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