You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
