Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
