Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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