Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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