I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
