My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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