She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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