Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
