I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
