I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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