im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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