Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
