You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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