I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
