Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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