i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
