I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Bring me that man meat
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
