If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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