My nipple is on Facebook.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
