God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
