You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
