so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i came on her dog
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
